Routines - the Big Debate

Yes, my son had routines and they worked for us. Saying that, though, we never followed anyone else's routines, never sought advice from the many books overwhelming new parents today. I read one thing that rang true to me - "consistency". And that is what we did.

Oscar quickly came to understand what was expected of him when we did things the same way each day. It helped with feeding time, nap time, bath time, and bed time. The difference between what we did and what is suggested in books is that we let Oscar dictate what the routine would be. We didn't put him down after an early lunch because some expert told us to, we put him down when he was tired and fed him when he was hungry. Quite often his schedule didn't fit in with what his friends were doing, but it was his schedule. And he was happy with it.

Saying that, we did create a routine of our own by not jumping out of bed when Oscar would wake early in the morning, and thus, he knew that his routine was to play for a bit until WE woke up! That’s helped US a lot!!

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I don’t believe in routines for small babies.  In my opinion, newborns need time to adjust to life in the ‘outside world’ and to establish their eating and sleeping patterns and with my two boys, I was happy to be led by them in the early days.  To my mind, a tiny baby who is hungry needs to be fed, particularly in the early days if you are trying to establish breastfeeding, and I for one could not have forced my babies to fit in with a three-hourly feeding schedule.  In the early months, if my babies cried, we gave them what they needed, whether it was food or simply company.

However, once they are toddlers, I firmly believe that some sort of routine is essential.  We have routines at the start and end of the day.  In the mornings, I get the boys up and dressed then leave them with a drink of milk, some toys and a video while I have my shower.  Yes, I too swore that my kids would never watch TV but limited amounts can be very useful as it keeps them safely occupied while I’m doing something that means I physically can’t watch them.  Once I’m showered and dressed, we all go down for breakfast together.  This is a very small, simple routine but it is absolutely essential for me as I am much better able to deal with whatever the day throws at me if I’m showered and dressed and my hair is brushed.  I do not function well in pyjamas!

Our evening routine starts at around 5.00pm when the boys have their tea.  Following this, I make dinner for my husband and myself, ably assisted by my sous-chefs, Richard and Alex.  Once dinner is in the oven, we have ‘tidy-up time’ when all the toys are cleared away and we all hoover.  Richard has a toy vacuum cleaner and Alex gets his push-along bear and they happily copy me.  Then we pick Daddy up from the station and it’s back home and into the bath.  After a little play with the bubbles and bath toys, it’s into pyjamas and into bed with a drink of milk each and Daddy reads bedtime stories while Mummy puts the finishing touches to dinner.

We’re not routine-bound for the rest of the day and we don’t clock-watch, taking meals and naps whenever it suits the day’s activities, but I find these two routines work very well.  It speaks for itself that we never have any trouble getting the boys settled to sleep, even when on holiday.  Even in strange beds in a strange house, they happily fall asleep at their usual time because the routine is the same.  Small children need stability and continuity and a good routine provides this.

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Baby routines can vary to a huge extent, encompassing sleep, feeding, play -the whole range of baby-care. As I have breastfed both babies on demand, for me routine has primarily meant sleep routines, at least in the early days before the introduction of solid meals imposes a natural order to a baby's day.

I think that a baby's bedtime routine is extremely important inensuring good sleep habits and with both Isabelle (now 3 years) and James (just 4 months) we introduceda bath - breastfeed - bed routine, with the baby in bed asleep by 7pm, at around 6 weeks of age.This has been very successful and they have both always settled to sleep in their own bed very happily without any problems. I think that this benefits both children immensely and gives us much-needed time to ourselves in the evenings.

However, daytime sleep routines have been a different story for me. When I was expecting Isabelle I read the Gina Ford manual, but I was horrified by the authoritarian and exhaustive routines advocated, so I decided that this approach wasn't for me. When Isabelle arrived she was a happy baby and fitted in with whatever I wanted to do, whether having coffee with other mums, going shopping or taking her to swimming lessons. She just fell asleep when she was tired, wherever she was,and I left it at that. I think I probably ended up feeding her more than necessary as I interpreted what were probably tired cries as hunger (does anyone else find this "You'll know what your baby's cry means" a load of rubbish?!), but as I was breast-feeding, and happy to do so pretty much anywhere, this wasn't really restrictive. However, as she got older this didn't work quite so well. By the time Isabelle was 8 months old and we took a trip to visit friends and family in the US, the only way I could get her to sleep during the day was on my shoulder, and the bigger she got the more of a problem this became. Even though she would still go to sleep at night like an angel and sleep through without fail,once she turned one she was not fun if deprived of a lunchtime nap, which was increasingly difficult for me to get her to take. I decided that enough was enough and, with much perseverance, got her to take a lunchtime sleep in her cot. Suddenly I got 2 hours back to myself during the day, bliss!

When James was born, although it was tempting to let James sleep whenever he wanted so that we could carry on with our daily lives unchanged, I didn't want to have a repeat of these difficulties. So he has been encouraged to have two naps a day in his cot, and our daily schedules are adjusted to fit in with this. I haven't found this easy, but now that he is settled into this routine he is a lot happier and our lives are easier, although a little hobbled. But I get time to type this (!) and time to devote to his big sister, so that she can get some one-on-one attention too.

So overall, although I am still opposed to the Gina Ford style of dictatorial routine, I think we have found a happy medium that suits the whole family, and gives James the structure he needs.

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I read Gina Ford when pregnant, but realised before giving birth that it wasn't a practical way to run my baby's life, so put it aside.  I breastfed Chloe by demand and got on fairly well with this for a couple of months until we got into a cycle of her feeding little and often, or doing very long feeds (1 hour+).  I put up with this for a few weeks thinking it was just a growth spurt but nothing changed.  I couldn't even pop to the shops for bread and milk in case she needed feeding as she wouldn't take a bottle and my husband's leg was broken so he couldn't drive and wasn't allowed to go far on his crutches, not that he could have carried shopping anyway! So, I got out Gina again and had a look at the routines for babies Chloe's age, and the book said she should go four hours between feeds.  I followed the routines to the letter for about a week, and got Chloe into the four hourly feeds really quickly, at which point I eased off on all the stern stuff about "baby must be in bed no later than 11.07am with no light entering the room" etc.  I don't agree with most of what Gina says, but at the time the book gave me the confidence to try to move Chloe's feeds around a bit more to suit me.  This did us no harm at all, and though I now know that Gina is not recommended for breastfeeding mums, by the time we had our brief dalliance with her my supply was well established by a couple of months demand feeding. 

Aside from that, we followed a loose routine with Chloe - we'd try to get her into bed around the same time each night, and have a nap at the same times each day, but not to the extent that we'd avoid leaving the house in case it messed about with her routine.

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My son was born 5 weeks early and from that moment on we were in a 'routine', the hospital advising that I must wake him every 3 or 4 hours to feed him. Once we came home we continued like this for a couple of days until I said to the midwife that it seemed like he would never learn to be hungry (or sleep for more than 3 hours at a time) so I wanted to stop waking him - she agreed. I don't know if because he had already had a week of being woken 4 hourly, but he continued to follow this pattern when left to do his own thing.

I started to feel anxious and was unsure as to how babies realised there was a night and day. Not knowing what age this might happen I felt I needed to doing some reading up and see if I could help him… and that's when I read the dreaded ' Contented Little baby book'! Some of my friends had loosely followed it before and had good results so I was encouraged to give it a go.

Initially it really helped make sense of a few issues we had. The bedtime routine really helped and we still have one now - but then many people do and they haven't had to read Gina Ford to work that one out! However, trying to get a baby to follow a routine that wasn't his own natural pattern causes problems - trying to keep them awake when they are tired and then trying to get them to sleep when they are not - it just doesn't equal a 'contented baby' (or mother!)! I also have to say at this point that we never followed it to the letter - I certainly was not eating and showering at the time she prescribed!

Eventually we settled into a routine -loosely based on her's - but then that's no surprise as her routine is only going to have been based on what many babies naturally do anyway.  I certainly found it reassuring to know what followed what in a typical day and my son seemed happy - never getting over-tired or too hungry. However, I do feel that we spent quite some months being totally inflexible!

Things have changed now, at 9 months he was changing his sleep patterns on a daily basis. Initially I felt uneasy with this daily change. However, I have got used to this and find that his flexibility and need for less day time sleep is so much more liberating. We do have our difficult days when he is so tired before bedtime but on the whole a looser routine seems ok. I don't know if this is because of his age and the fact he can manage with less day time sleep.

On the whole, I do think that babies benefit from a routine. I think it helps to have a bedtime routine, if only to help them wind down for the night. It also gives you something to focus on when they are miserable and tired!  I also think it helps both baby and parent if they have a regular sleep pattern.  However, if I had my time again, I would have left him to find his own pattern and wouldn't have tried to follow something from a book.

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I am naturally favourably disposed to routines, being a generally organised sort of person.  Before I had Mary I had cosy chats with a (German!) friend at work and we agreed that a routine must be the way forward.  She (also pre-birth) recommended the Gina Ford book, so I bought a copy, read a bit, felt rather intimidated and put it away.  I took it (madly) to the hospital, read a bit more and still felt intimidated so went back to the Da Vinci Code.  It made its final appearance during the first week after Mary’s birth.  Again it made me worry, because I couldn’t imagine my life happening as per her schedule yet felt it should.  Having no moral or physical stamina at that point (I just didn’t want to get up at 6.45 am and start expressing), the book went back on the shelf and has not been brought out again.

So what sort of routine are we talking about then?  I believe it is desirable that a child ultimately sleeps during the night time and has 3 meals a day at roughly conventional times because that will probably be the rhythm of the whole of its daily life.  How you get to that point is another matter. The ‘full Gina’ is really hard work and life just isn’t that regular anyway.  At the other end of the spectrum, I don’t believe total adherence to the whim of the baby - after the first few weeks of chaos - is a good idea either (we’re the grown ups, after all).

I would advocate a compromise: let the child find its own way but within a sensible framework.  The Baby Whisperer’s ‘Eat . Activity . Sleep . You’ system seemed logical to me and it has worked.  Mary has developed her own pattern of existence with a bit of help from me, mainly in the much-discussed area of sleep enforcement!  The rhythm stays broadly the same as she grows; it just gets more flexible.  It’s certainly worked for us and I’ll do it again next time.

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Its just not realistic to hold black and white opinions about the issue of routine.  In the first few months, I have to admit I found Gina Ford’s book extremely helpful.  I used it to give me timings to aim for.  However, luckily I did not feel at all worried if those timings did not happen, and I do appreciate that the tone and rigidity of this book can be detrimental, particularly to those prone to anxiety.

The habits, likes and dislikes of my daughter are ever changing, and I have found it necessary to be flexible. Last month she was sleeping, then eating lunch, now it’s the other way around.  You will just have got used to things happening one way, then it all changes.  For us it’s about constantly striking a balance between what she is telling me she needs, and the necessity to structure the day around groups and visits.

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My perspective on routines has changed a little over time, but generally comes down to the difference between routine and schedule.  I think that predictability is good for babies, so they know what’s coming next (and so you can get your addled new-parent brain through the day).  But to me, rigid schedules are a daft idea.  Babies don’t wear watches and to be honest, neither do I.   A regular order to daily events, with enough flexibility on timing to make getting out and about feasible, has always worked for me, most of the time (Rule One of Parenting : Nothing works all the time).

The trouble with any routine, however fuzzy and flexible, is that you tend to cling to it as the answer to everything.  As a first-time mum, I used to beat myself up about getting it wrong, and assume that any failure of Elliot to eat, sleep or be happy was because I’d not done something in the right order or at the right time.  Second time around, I make the same errors of judgement in determining whether Daisy is tired, hungry or bored, but I don’t bother to count the hours or keep re-adjusting the routine to account for longer or shorter naps.  Just go with the flow (wo)man!  With experience, you soon realise that even if one day goes totally pear-shaped, tomorrow is another day, and even the worst upheavals (travelling, illness etc.) will be shaken off in two days.

The notion of sticking to a routine with two under two is frankly laughable, but my principle still holds.  In my house, breakfast comes before lunch, and supper comes shortly before bath, stories and bed.  Bedtime is really the only time where we make a real effort to be consistent.  That’s as much of a routine as I need, and certainly as much as I can manage!

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Gary and I already had several friends with children before we had Kiera.  The main advice that stuck with us was the parents whose children stayed up until they fell asleep on the floor, often after 11pm and told us, ‘get a routine and a life going from the start’.  The parents who were up all night and miserable until they installed a routine at 8 months; and two sets of parents who used a strict routine from the start and had babies who slept through the night very quickly.

The last three sets of parents had all used the Gina Ford routines. I wondered who this amazing woman was and bought her book to read through my extremely long pregnancy!  I was freaked out at first, but luckily one of my best friends (baby aged 3 months at time and sleeping through) was there to say ‘read, use the bits you think will work for you and don’t get too hung up about timings for anything else but sleeping and feeding’. This friend is a midwife.

I never fed on demand and when using the three hourly feeding regime, it felt like I only had to get up once in the night, 3am, unlike other new mums I met.  I then progressed through the routines in Gina’s book, which basically meant all feeds except one were during the day.  We also always did a bath time and story routine every night and a 7am to 7pm day.  Kiera has also always had structured sleeps during the day.

While we were on holiday in Norfolk when she was six weeks old, she started sleeping from 10pm to 7am.  By 10 weeks she was sleeping 6pm to 10pm, having a bottle and then 10.15pm to 7am. From 5 months she was sleeping 7am to 7pm. Colds, teeth and even a perforated eardrum have only very occasionally interrupted this.  We keep the same routine wherever we are, so she has slept through in Boston, Aberdeen and London.

Some friends have commented on our lack of flexibility, especially being unable to go out in the mornings, but then moan about their child being up too late or still feeding during the night at 6 months.  I feel my lack of freedom was a small price to pay for a very happy child and parents!  Also, we always knew what times she would need feeding or sleep and so could structure going out around this, unlike friends who found feeding on demand very stressful when trying to go out.

Kiera is now 14 months old and an extremely happy toddler.  She sleeps 9.30am to 10am, 1pm to 2.30pm and 7pm to 7am.  She rarely gets overtired and gobbles up any food I give her.  Gary and I go out socially a lot, as anyone can baby sit and she never makes a peep.  I can honestly recommend Gina’s routines and other advice on such things as blackout blinds.  Just ignore the bits like ‘baby and you must be dressed by...’ (pyjamas are the new black, don’t you know!) and you will not regret it.

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When I was pregnant with William, I thought the idea of imposing a strict routine on my baby sounded pre-historic.  I read Gina Ford’s ‘Contented Little Baby Book’, after it was recommended by a friend, and thought it sounded extremely strict.  The idea of putting my baby to bed without any eye contact, kisses or affection was alien to me.  And besides with her strict timetable to follow, when were you supposed to get out of the house, or take time to enjoy your baby?

In the first few months, I was breastfeeding on demand, so there was no real pattern to his feeding times.  He tended to fall asleep as and when he needed it and we sort of fell into a regular daytime routine led by William.  This worked fine for us.  I was, and still am, a great believer in following the baby/child’s cues and not pushing them into anything before they are ready.

We did have one problem though.  At three months old, we were still struggling to settle William at night, and found ourselves still pacing the floor for hours until he had dropped off.  I asked the advice of one of the breastfeeding counsellors, Pam, at the drop-in clinic I attended.  She told me that the key is to try to encourage your baby to settle himself to sleep and to put them down in their cot awake.  In order to try to crack this at night-time, she suggested I try this for one of his daytime naps instead, when I was not so tired and had more willpower!  Once I’d cracked this, I would then have the confidence to do the same at night.  It did involve allowing William to cry a bit which I found extremely difficult, but this only lasted a couple of days. 

She also stressed the importance of a good night-time routine, so that baby feels secure and is familiar with the actions leading up to bedtime: bath, massage, milk, and songs/story.  I also used to play the same calming music at a low volume whilst feeding William.

This bedtime routine still works really well for us, and he goes down for his daytime nap without any fuss (most of the time!).  I can even adapt the timing of either daytime or night-time naps to fit in with whatever we happen to be doing occasionally and because he knows it so well he adapts.

When I think back now to my Earth Mother days, when I pooh pooh-ed the idea of routines as being cruel and too strict, I was being daft really.  After all, human beings are creatures of routine.  We eat, sleep and work/play at roughly the same times of day, every day, so it seems crazy to think that babies don’t need the same structure to their day.  Sure, there are the odd days when it’s just not possible to keep within their usual routine and they adapt very well but I’m convinced a simple routine helps to ensure a baby feels secure and happy as they know exactly what to expect next. 

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