Siblings - the Big Debate

There are 3½ years between our two boys and so far it seems to be a good gap.  Ethan, the oldest, is very tolerant of his brother and he seems to enjoy having a younger brother.  The gap wasn't planned as Troll was a surprise but we had discussed trying for another baby once Ethan had started school.   As it was, Troll arrived in the August and Ethan went to school in the September.  On a personal note, I don't think it matters what the age gap is as I teach children who only have 10 months between them all the way up to a lad who is the youngest child and his sister is 20 years older.  They all seem to get on okay.  I think it is more a question of how the parents handle the new sibling’s arrival than anything else.

 

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I’d like to join this debate to defend the position that the best number of children to have is just one.  I completely admire anyone who decides to have two or more, but I just wasn’t up to it – my son is enough of a challenge on his own. 

I initially wanted to have two children and spaced quite close together.  However, after a thoroughly unenjoyable pregnancy, I was adamant that I would never put myself through that experience again.  People say all the time that you’ll “forget the pain,” but after almost 6 years, I haven’t forgotten.  It isn’t just that having another child would have meant being pregnant again – I have learned the hard way that I simply don’t have enough physical or mental strength for this job sometimes.  I love my little boy and can’t imagine life without him, but neither can I imagine life with more than one of him – I wouldn’t be able to cope.  And although my husband is a great help, we don’t have family nearby/available to give us a break when and as often as we might need it.

I hear all the time about how sad it is that my son doesn’t have a constant playmate and won’t grow up with a brother or sister.  In reality, that doesn’t bother him at all since he doesn’t know any differently.  He had playmates through NCT Open Houses, then through day nursery, and now at school.  Brothers and sisters are not guaranteed to be best friends anyway, and may not get along at all. 

The reality is that with only one child, I have more time to spread between him, my husband, my job and maybe even other pursuits.  With one, it is easier to plan schedules, it is slightly less stressful (especially when travelling), it is easier to get relatives to agree to babysit for extended periods of time, and easier to get a family member to agree to be a legal guardian for just one child.  It is tempting to spend more money on him because he is the only one, but we don’t, and I’m sure that in the long run having one is bound to be less expensive than two or more.  I only have one child to dress and feed in the morning rush, and only one stop on my way to work.  I can volunteer in his classroom or on school trips without having to arrange childcare for anyone else.  My husband doesn’t feel neglected or like he’s not on the priority list.  When we finally pass through the latest developmental stage/challenge (sleeping, teething, weaning, potty training, starting school...), we don’t have to go through it all again with the next one.  Maybe that all sounds horribly selfish, but it works - and it’s a nice balance that would be thrown into utter chaos if we’d had more than one.

I’m so grateful that we live in an age when childbearing is a choice.  We have the ability to plan if and when and how many children we have – something our parents couldn’t have dreamed of.  These days, more women have careers they wish to continue, greater expectations of parental involvement are placed on fathers, and families don’t live in the same towns very much anymore.  Any couple making the decision of whether or when to have one or more children should carefully examine their situation, expectations, future plans, and support network available.  The fact is, whether you have more children to give the first one siblings, or because it’s the done or expected thing, all the hard work will fall to the parents.  You really do need to take your own needs and those of your partner and your relationship into account.

So while the grandparents are a bit disappointed, they finally accept after six years that our default decision not to add to our family is final.  I’m glad that I was brave enough to admit that I needed to stop at one, and I think it’s working out well for us so far.  There was a great book that I read early on that I would highly recommend to anyone struggling with this decision.  It is called “Parenting an Only Child: The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One and Only” by Susan Newman.  It contains loads of well researched advice on how to make sure it is the right decision, how to withstand the pressure to have another, how to deal with the dynamics of a three person family, confronts myths/stereotypes of only children, and gives ideas on building networks and support systems for the future.

 

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There are 14 months between my two boys.  It was semi-planned as we made a conscious decision not to use birth control but it had taken three years to conceive Richard, plus I was breastfeeding, so it was a little surprising to say the least when I conceived just five months after giving birth. 

During my second pregnancy, I was very apprehensive and worried a lot about how I would cope, particularly as Richard still wasn’t walking by the time Alex was born.  The first few weeks were difficult on a practical level – managing a newborn whilst taking care of a toddler who still needed help feeding and had to be carried upstairs, etc.   I soon mastered the art of breastfeeding Alex while spoon-feeding Richard!  Once Richard started to walk and got better at feeding himself, life got easier and we haven’t looked back since. 

Having such a close age gap means we have had absolutely no jealousy whatsoever.  Richard simply accepted his baby brother from day one and they have become very good friends and play together beautifully (mostly!).  People think that it must be hard having two still in nappies or two that wake you at night but, to be honest, because you’ve never grown out of that stage, it makes no difference to have two doing it.  People with twins manage perfectly well and I think it must be harder to go back to the baby/toddler stage after a longer gap.  I can’t imagine getting used to a good night’s sleep and children who can dress themselves, then having to start all over again with a baby.  That to me is hard work!

 

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As a mother of one, I can’t really offer any advice on age gaps between siblings, although it is a topic that my mum friends and I often talk about.  When my husband and I first started thinking about having a family, I think we’d always imagined having more than one child.  In fact, before I had my daughter, I’d considered the possibility of having up to four children! (although I might add, this was not a consideration I’d shared with my husband!!!).

If I’m honest, I wanted a second baby whilst still in the delivery suite, moments after giving birth …and if I’d been told there and then that I was pregnant again (?), I would have been delighted!  Not that my birth experience was a particularly good one (it certainly wasn’t) but because I was overwhelmed by the love I felt for my daughter and I wanted to experience that over and over again.

However, over the early weeks and months of motherhood, I began to think differently about the idea of another baby.  Reality was hitting hard as I was discovering how difficult it is with just one baby.  I soon found myself thinking “how on earth would I ever cope with two?” and “how does anyone ever cope with more than one?”.  The thought of more has horrified me many times but I see lots of mums (and dads) with many children, coping every day so why shouldn’t I be able to?

So, if my husband and I decide to have more children, when do we do it? (please excuse the choice of words!).  What’s the best age gap between the first and second?  Is there an age gap that makes life easier?  I found myself thinking that maybe it’s best to wait until our daughter had started school so at least I’d have a break from her to concentrate on the newborn.  And what about when you’re breastfeeding a newborn every two hours for an hour at a time?  How are you meant to look after a toddler for instance?  I’m not sure I’d want that large an age gap between my children.  They wouldn’t be interested in the same things and wouldn’t want to play together.  Besides, I don’t want to be that old when I have the next one!

So if we decide to have another child before number one starts school, when is the best time?  And of course, it’s not just a case of deciding an age gap and planning a pregnancy to fall conveniently in that time. Pregnancies don’t happen just like that and can take years to happen. With that in mind, isn’t it just a good idea to start ‘trying’ now with the hope of falling pregnant sometime in the near future?  If it happens straight away, then there would only be a small age gap between the first and the second – but at least they’d be able to play together, right?  Or would it be a nightmare with two very young children… one heading towards that ‘terrible two’s’ stage?

There probably is no magic age gap, or indeed no best or worse age gaps.  If we’re blessed with more children, we’ll manage with whichever scenario… like everybody else does!!

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